It's that time of year again. The days are short, the air is crisp and frats are stealing conifers from university property, and you're probably thinking about getting yourself an ol' tannenbaum. If you're having trouble deciding what type of tree to get, look no further, I've got a handy guide for you here.
First of all, if you want a tree that'll last, I suggest going to a self cut place. Most trees being sold in lots were cut before thanksgiving hand have been shipped here from parts unknown (North Carolina). Often these trees are painted green to look fresher. Gross.
Now, other websites might just give you a ranking like this:
1. The true firs (Genus Abies)
Soft needles that smell of tangerines when crushed. Good needle retention. You can identify firs by the "Four F's:" firs are friendly (needles not sharp); fir needles attach flush tot he branch; fir needles are fragrant (they smell like tangerines!); fir needles are flat in cross section. Firs have good needle retention, so if you get one that has been pre-cut it'll likely keep most of its needles off your floor. Also, due to their great natural color, the firs are unlikely to be painted/died green.
2. Douglas-fir (Genus Pseudotsuga)
In botanical common names the en dash signifies a taxonomically incorrect name. Here it means the DouglasDashfir is not really a fir. But heck, it's pretty close. These guys have pretty good needle retention, but often have a very stout trunk, so you might need a pretty hefty stand.
3. Spruces (Genus Picea)
Sharper needles, retention is not as good. Don't smell as good as the firs and Douglas-firs. Spruces can be identified by the "Four S's:" spruces have sharp needles; spruce needles are square in cross section (some are more diamond shaped); spruces are stinky (they smell piney, but not in a great way); spruces are stubbly (when you remove the needles, small peg-like sterigmata remain on the branches).
4. Pines (Genus Pinus)
Bunched needles. This genus can be a bit of a mixed bag.
5. (tie) Arborvitae/Northern White-Cedar (Genus Thuja)
If you find a small one of these, an ideal specimen, maybe it'll look right. Remember what that dash in the common names kids, the Northern White-Cedar isn't a true cedar (Genus Cedrus).
5. (tie) Juniper/Eastern Redcedar (Genus Juniperus)
These can be OK if they are small and have been pre-trimmed into a proper taper. Upon close inspection, they just wont look quite right.
6. Any other conifer
Even the tamarack or larch (Genus Larix), which loses its needles.
7. Artificial trees
These are literally the worst. Why not just get a custom Fathead of a tree for you wall? Why not a potted palm tree?
Now the above would be a useful list, but it fails to take into account the nuanced differences between species within different genera. Oh, and a note about labeling. In the following list, the first number indicates the overall rank while the letter number combination is its rank within that group of plants. e.g. White fir is ranked sixth overall and the fourth among firs (F4); Serbian spruce is fifth overall and first among the spruces (S1).
1. F1. Nobel Fir--Abies procera
With its short, soft, stiff, dense needles you really can't go wrong here. Great fragrance helps too. Native to the high mountain west.
2. F2. Fraser Fir--Abies fraseri
Can have slightly shorter needles than A. procera. Still an outstanding tree. Native to high mountains in the Appalachian Range. A very, very close second.
3. F3. Balsam Fir--Abies balsamea
Very closely related to A. fraseri. Slightly thinner needles. Sometimes called Canaan fir. Native to northern temperate and boreal forests. There can be some needle retention issues with A. balsamea. Can be combined with Pinus strobus to make a Franken-tree (see below).